if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
