Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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