living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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