Swine flu. Run for my life!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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