the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
