I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
