I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
