we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
