every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
