i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
