In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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