OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
