Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
