Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
