im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
