just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
