who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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