Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
