So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
