She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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