Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
