I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
ugly people sure do ruin things
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
