I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
They should really pass out barf bags in church
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
