I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
