Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
