How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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