So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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