I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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