he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
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Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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