I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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