I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
