im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
