Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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