I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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