so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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