Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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