Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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