It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
