The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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