Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
