Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just want to make out with him forever
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals