I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
