loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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