You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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