He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
