If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
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Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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