We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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