fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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