this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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