yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
