I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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