Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
