Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
