So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
