I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
