I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
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