So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
